In Chinese, there is a saying:
执子之手，与子偕老, meaning
I promise to hold your hands, and grow old with you
This timeless gesture transcends cultural boundaries and is often associated with love, care, and unity. When viewed deeper, holding hands takes on a profound significance that extends beyond the surface level of physical touch. It becomes a representation of connection, companionship, and compassion that spans the stages of a relationship from its inception to old age, mirroring the journey of spiritual growth and understanding.
The Stages of Connectivity
In the early stages of a relationship, holding hands represents a bridge between two individuals. It symbolizes a connection that is budding, a unity that is forming. Just as two hands intertwine, two lives start to converge, each with its own story and experiences. This can be seen as the manifestation of the concept of interconnectedness. The idea that all beings are interdependent and connected resonates with the act of holding hands, as it visually demonstrates the union of two paths.
As a relationship matures, holding hands takes on a deeper meaning of companionship. Walking side by side, facing challenges and celebrating victories, individuals promise to hold each other's hands through life's journey. This phase resonates with the idea of being spiritual companions. Just as practitioners accompany each other on the path to enlightenment, partners in a relationship support one another's growth, offering encouragement and steadiness along the way.
As time progresses, the act of holding hands gains a new layer of significance in the later stages of a relationship. Just as aging is a natural part of life, holding hands becomes a poignant reminder of the shared journey through the challenges of time. The concept of impermanence reminds us that all things change. The act of holding hands in old age signifies the acceptance of these changes with equanimity, and a commitment to continue walking together through life's transitions
The Therapeutic Effects
When partners hold hands mindfully, they are fully engaged in the present moment, acknowledging each other's presence with deep gratitude. The act of holding hands becomes a way to connect with the essence of each other.
- Metta (Loving-kindness): Holding hands as an expression of Metta signifies a profound commitment to fostering love and goodwill within a relationship. Just as Metta [1] encourages us to cultivate boundless love for all beings, holding hands is an embodiment of this intention. The late Ven. Thich Nhat Hanh emphasizes the importance of unconditional love and acceptance [2]. When partners hold hands with Metta, they are embracing each other's strengths and imperfections, nurturing a love that is both deep and compassionate. By intertwining hands, partners affirm their commitment to embrace each other's strengths and imperfections, nurturing a love that's kind, accepting, and unconditionally supportive.
"To love without knowing how to love wounds the person we love." - Thich Nhat Hanh
- Karuna (Compassion): Holding hands embodies the spirit of Karuna, reflecting a promise to stand by each other during times of suffering. The Buddha's teachings on compassion urge us to be present for others and offer our support without judgment [3]. Holding hands in difficult moments signifies a commitment to share in each other's pain, just as we strive to alleviate the suffering of all sentient beings. As partners clasp hands, they promise to stand by each other in times of suffering, sharing the burden and providing solace.
"When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help." - Thich Nhat Hanh
- Mudita (Sympathetic Joy): Holding hands with a sense of Mudita embodies the joy of shared experiences and successes. Partners in a relationship promise to walk hand in hand through life's achievements, mirroring the practice of sympathetic joy. Buddha's teachings encourage us to find joy in each other's happiness, celebrating without envy or competition [4]. Holding hands signifies the celebration of shared joys, where partners genuinely take pleasure in each other's achievements.
"The seed of suffering in you may be strong, but don't wait until you have no more suffering before allowing yourself to be happy." - Thich Nhat Hanh
- Upekkha (Equanimity): Holding hands with a sense of equanimity reflects a balanced acceptance of life's changes and challenges. The Buddha teaches that true equanimity arises when we embrace the impermanence of life with a steady heart [3]. Holding hands in old age symbolizes a commitment to face the passage of time together, embodying the spirit of Upekkha.
"Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything—anger, anxiety, or possessions—we cannot be free." - Thich Nhat Hanh
The concept of interconnectedness and compassion aligns well with the sentiment of growing old together. One could relate the saying to the idea that just as individuals promise to hold each other's hands and journey through life together, practitioners aim to support and accompany one another on the path of spiritual growth and enlightenment. This reflects the idea of being "spiritual companions" and cultivating loving-kindness and compassion for all beings as they traverse the cycle of life, aging, and eventual liberation from suffering.
"Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor." - Thich Nhat Hanh
Holding hands, in both its physical and symbolic forms, fulfills the basic human need for connection and belonging, providing a sense of security and emotional support. This touch communicates empathy, care, and validation, promoting psychological well-being and positive relationships.
From the initial stages of building a bond to the later years of aging gracefully together, this gesture encapsulates the essence of growth, unity, and shared experience. Holding hands become a poignant reminder of the interconnectedness of all beings and the enduring power of love and understanding.
References
[1] Karaniya Metta Sutta: The Buddha's Words on Loving Kindness. Available at: https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/snp/snp.1.08.amar.html
[2] Nhat Hanh, Thich (2017). Growing Together. Available at: https://www.lionsroar.com/growing-together/
[3] The Four Sublime States. Available at: https://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/nyanaponika/wheel006.html
[4] Mudita: The Buddha's Teaching on Unselfish Joy. Available at: https://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/various/wheel170.html